What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 19.06.2025 01:58
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Why do men think all women are the same?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
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Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She found it foreign!.
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Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I could never make a relationship work though!
When she asked me how she looked .
What is a narcissist grandmother like, with her grandchild?
But it wasn’t much.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
What does it mean when you dream that your mother died?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
My family never makes their pension either.
Im still living with it.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Is it legal for an employer to ask why you are taking time off from work?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
If you could instantly cancel one social norm, what would it be?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
We all went to grammer schools
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I was 9 years of age.
I never cut or harmed myself..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She wouldn,t have been !
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I said to her
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But, we were locked up after school.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She married twice! .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Would this be the day?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She was in good health!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He knew the spot.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
All the time i was locked up.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But ive been too sick for many years..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I was scared of men, in general
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I think the readers, may guess!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Who then, do I blame.?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I have no regrets .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Ive learnt so much.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Comes on , in middle age.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
This is soul school!.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
It was going to be , some day.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He resisted the act ,that day.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I couldn’t, believe it.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
So, i spoilt her more .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Especially a lifetime of it.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
So whats the point in blame.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I will be 64.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She loved him until the end.
I write beautiful poetry .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I was seconnd youngest,
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I was very sick at this time too.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Put me off passion for life!!
I waited trembling.
And i lived it daily.
We were not on the streets..
My life is so biszare .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
What did i know ?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I don,t even have a pension.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
One cannot live in the past .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
(And it was in our own minds.)